Where is home? I've wondered where home is, and I realized, it's not Mars or someplace like that, it's Indianapolis when I was nine years old. I had a brother and a sister, a cat and a dog, and a mother and a father and uncles and aunts. And there's no way I can get there again.”

Kurt Vonnegut 11th of October 2005

Sunday, August 21, 2011

de-credited

i am easily dismantled. My pieces slide apart, engorge themselves on contempt for others, never to properly fit back together. Little bits of me never find their way back to the reconstructed whole, they lay scattered across thousands of miles. One lays in front of a wooden door where a man, not unlike you, told me my worth. Another lays on the pavement of a road that lead me to my immorality. One lays on a tiled floor covered in grease splatter and a sudden fist and a sudden tight hold. And as my self slides apart and piece falls to the side of this newly de-credited bed.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

i am rachel ann effler

i am rachel ann effler...

I know I'm not what you are looking for at the moment: I am hurt, I am human, I am everything I have always been. My hands are still large but slender, feminine but distressed with hard work. My face is still plump but thinned out by the days of nausea and heartbreak that followed your decision. My body still aches for the touch of you but cowers at the thought of loosing anything about these months. My feet are still the size of my mothers, they could be childlike, but an extra inch is added by adulthood. My head, filled with nonsense, is still that twenty-three year old that hopes for time machines and days without conflict. My waist, covered with stretch marks from two-thousand and four, is still in distress over a man that barely fulfilled the equivalent of a father. My thighs which are barely discovered, still ache for a women that will last. My mind, above everything, still views my adulthood as sanity. Whereas my heart, still feels my adulthood is the only lie with nothing-else to follow. How do I follow you? How do I convince my heart to follow my mind? A lie to follow a lie, a heart to follow a mind. This is the cycle I follow. These are the questions I allow to be asked. If I could not ask them, I would destroy myself. I am rachel ann effler, nothing more, and nothing less. I am my mothers daughter, a former mcDonalds worker turned household provider. I am my fathers daughter, a former police chief turned absent icon. I am my brothers sister, once a selfish follower turned idealistic ranter. I am my sisters sister, once a jealous being now a full follower of success. I am rachel ann effler, once a sister, once a daughter. Now just a single white female.