“Where is home? I've wondered where home is, and I realized, it's not Mars or someplace like that, it's Indianapolis when I was nine years old. I had a brother and a sister, a cat and a dog, and a mother and a father and uncles and aunts. And there's no way I can get there again.”
Kurt Vonnegut 11th of October 2005
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
I know I'm not what you are looking for at the moment: I am hurt, I am human, I am everything I have always been. My hands are still large but slender, feminine but distressed with hard work. My face is still plump but thinned out by the days of nausea and heartbreak that followed your decision. My body still aches for the touch of you but cowers at the thought of loosing anything about these months. My feet are still the size of my mothers, they could be childlike, but an extra inch is added by adulthood. My head, filled with nonsense, is still that twenty-three year old that hopes for time machines and days without conflict. My waist, covered with stretch marks from two-thousand and four, is still in distress over a man that barely fulfilled the equivalent of a father. My thighs which are barely discovered, still ache for a women that will last. My mind, above everything, still views my adulthood as sanity. Whereas my heart, still feels my adulthood is the only lie with nothing-else to follow. How do I follow you? How do I convince my heart to follow my mind? A lie to follow a lie, a heart to follow a mind. This is the cycle I follow. These are the questions I allow to be asked. If I could not ask them, I would destroy myself. I am rachel ann effler, nothing more, and nothing less. I am my mothers daughter, a former mcDonalds worker turned household provider. I am my fathers daughter, a former police chief turned absent icon. I am my brothers sister, once a selfish follower turned idealistic ranter. I am my sisters sister, once a jealous being now a full follower of success. I am rachel ann effler, once a sister, once a daughter. Now just a single white female.